Podcast Transcript | Ep. 30

Assertiveness: Taking command of our lives

Assertiveness: Taking Command of our Lives | Ep. 30

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[00:00:43] Hello and welcome everyone. I'm your host, Brandon Ward back with another episode of order within. Episode number 30. Cruising right along dropping weekly episodes. Every Thursday here at 11:00 AM.

[00:01:01] Today's topic is assertiveness. Taking command of our lives.

[00:01:09] Being assertive is something.

[00:01:12] That again, a lot of what I talk about on the show is. Uh, the perspective of skills that can be developed. So the things that we discuss on the show are meant to be. Illuminating about what we have at our disposal. Things we can leverage and learn about and expand our ability in these realms.

[00:01:35] Assertiveness is one of those things. So in today's show, we're going to be talking about what is assertiveness. The passive approach. Getting what we need. Not feeling worthy. And then taking action. What do we do with all this information that we have? And starting out. With defining assertiveness.

[00:02:00] And this is going to be proactive, to be assertive is to be proactive in what we desire to be proactive in what we're looking for. And what we want and what we need. So we're going to make effort. And we're going to use energy to actively go out and try and get what we desire, what we want, what we need.

[00:02:25] Assertiveness is also one of the six pillars of self-esteem. A few episodes. I did a uh, five, I think it was a five. I think it was a five-part series on the six pillars of self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Assertiveness is one of those pillars and it's important because.

[00:02:44] It. Without assertiveness or effectively passive. We're waiting. We're not doing the things that we can. To ensure. The highest chance that we have the life that we want, that we create the life that we want, that we're doing, the things that we desire. So being assertive allows us to do that. So being assertive is going to be taking a proactive approach, taking an active approach towards the things that we desire. So it's going to be putting effort and energy and action into getting what we want.

[00:03:18] So a few examples could be. If we want to lose weight. We are taking action. To ensure that we can lose weight. That may be. Looking at a diet or specific foods that could be starting an exercise plan that could be focusing on our sleep that could be going to see a specialist. That could be looking at.

[00:03:41] Supplements or surgeries or anything like that. There's a lot of paths that we can go to lose weight. But it's first understanding what our goals are and what we desire, and then looking at the options and paths that we have to get there as opposed to waiting. And just hoping that we lose weight. And not changing any of our actions.

[00:04:04] So losing weight could be one. I mean, you can really apply this, the assertiveness to anything. But making money is another one. If we want a relationship, that would be another one. If we want to find a ideal partner. If we're looking to be assertive around that it would be clarifying the needs that we have our ideal partner that we would like to meet and connect with.

[00:04:28] What qualities and character characteristics they have as a human. So we would define them. So we would be assertive about what we're looking for as opposed to waiting and hoping that we just find someone that will work for us. We have to understand what it is that we're wanting. We have to know what we're seeking. We have to be clear about.

[00:04:47] What we want now. That doesn't mean that we get exactly what we

[00:04:53] Because there are a lot of things in life that come to us that. Are not what we expected or thought or desired. We have to learn about them. There's intelligence that exists outside of our own consciousness, which is a very powerful and an effective piece of reality. It's a good thing that we can lean into.

[00:05:13] From time to time, but it will, we will align with that energy of expansion and growth when we are assertive and intentional about what we're wanting and desiring. So in relation to a partner, Defining what that is, and then defining who that is, the characteristics, the qualities of a person, and then putting in energy and effort to meet someone like that.

[00:05:37] Now relationships are unique in the sense that the first relationship we have is with ourself. And so developing that relationship with ourself is key.

[00:05:47] Because that's the first relationship that we have with anyone. But from there as we nurture ourselves and develop a relationship with ourselves. Getting clear on who we want, the characteristics that we're looking for in a partner and then taking action to go out and make those things happen that could be getting on dating apps that could be going out.

[00:06:06] To networking events that could be trying new hobbies and activities. To give yourself the opportunity. To meet As opposed to. Waiting and hoping that you just meet someone that will work without any effort. So it's the. It's the distinction. Of effort. Versus the passive approach. And the passive approach is built around wishful thinking, hopeful thinking, wishing that things would be different, wishing that things would be better.

[00:06:38] I mean, this is something that all of us do. I find myself doing it, and I have to remind myself that if I want to make change here, I've got to take action and do things differently.

[00:06:47] The assertive approach is the opposite of passive and a lot of this, a lot of the world that we live in

[00:06:56] Caters to a passive approach waiting. Wishing hoping that things will change. Politicians will change the world and help me. Uh, my parents will change and help me. My partner will change and help me. My boss will change and help me. It's. Waiting for others to do the thing that we're wanting to

[00:07:16] So we're wishful thinking. We're hopeful and thinking that others will do this. We're also waiting and hoping that things will just kind of fix themselves, that things will just take care of themselves on their own. That we can just kind of put our hand heads in the sand and that emerge. Eventually and things will be different. Things will be changed. Things will be fixed.

[00:07:37] So just expecting things to change on their own. Without taking any action without doing anything differently.

[00:07:45] This is a, it's a it's again, it's another passive approach of just hoping that things will turn out Change on their own without any action on our part, without any change on our part.

[00:07:57] Expecting others to fix things. This is why I really loathe politics anymore is because ultimately. That's the whole idea of it. The whole premise is that you're giving all this power to someone else who's expected to go out and make changes to do things right to, to fix things. Massive problems that we're facing in our society.

[00:08:19] So expecting others to fix the world fix problems that we're facing is problematic. It's a hopeful, wishful perspective. And it's also unrealistic to expect others to fix things for us, unless we are taking action, unless we are engaging, unless we are active in the process. It's our action and activity. Our proactivity.

[00:08:43] That enables us to make change and adjust. Our lives in a way that is aligned with what we desire. And so. Expecting others to fix our lives, to fix our situations. Is. A slippery slope. It's a path that can easily get out of hand and we'll be waiting all of our life for that. If we're not careful.

[00:09:10] Because ultimately what that does is. It's almost guaranteeing that we're going to not going to get what we need. When we do this, when we take a passive approach, when we don't take any action to make change, when we're just we're identifying problems, but we're doing nothing about it. It becomes.

[00:09:31] A habit, the habit of inaction. And hoping and wishing this is what a lot of us do. And our society is built up around that because there are all kinds of ways. To keep us satisfied or placated in our passivity. Entertainment porn, video games, food consumption, consumption, consumption, just all kinds all around us. If you look all around us, we are.

[00:09:57] Offered every day, moments of ways to distract from taking action to distract from. Getting what we want in life. And numbing and feeling good about where we are in the moment. Look it's something that all of us have to contend with. I it's a. It's a comfort that humans have I battle with it. It's something that all of us will have that all of us have to battle with.

[00:10:23] But in order to get what we need and what we want. We have to take responsibility for our needs. We have to clarify our needs. We have to really explore what they are. And make sure that what we're going after and what we're desiring is truly our own. It's truly what we desire and what we wish to have in the world.

[00:10:42] So getting clear about what we need and what we want. Is another step that we have to do, understanding who we are, what we desire, the vision that we have for our

[00:10:54] And taking responsibility for those So getting clear on what it is that we want and then realizing that we are responsible for meeting those needs. No one else is responsible for meeting our needs. It is the responsibility of our own to meet these needs. So we have to get clear on what it is? And then we have to map out a plan on how we meet our needs.

[00:11:14] So if it's. Freedom. If it's exercise, if it's health, if it's whatever it may be, whatever our needs are, loving partner. Fun. All of those things that we, as humans are striving to do and achieve with our lives. Clarifying those needs and then taking responsibility for it is the way out.

[00:11:37] And we do that by taking action to make those changes. So it's, once we get clear on what we're needing, we then start to take action around. What we need. And that begins with speaking up and communicating what we want and need. That means to our partners. That means to our bosses, that means to our friends, if our needs and desires are not being met, then we must speak up and communicate that we must be clear about what it is that we're desiring.

[00:12:05] This is the element Of assertiveness. This is how we assert our needs and desires. Many of us. Are fearful of doing that. We are afraid to do that for a lot of reasons. And. It's. Again, a lot of that ties back to potentially how we were raised, the environment that we grew up in, the culture that we were raised

[00:12:30] And the expectations that were set for us. But as adults, we no longer have to depend upon other people and we can reclaim our lives and make it what we want. That's the beauty of this. Is that when we get clear about what we want and we take responsibility for accomplishing those things and meeting those needs, we empower ourselves to make change. We actually free ourselves.

[00:12:54] From the. Limitations of depending upon other people, we allow ourselves to claim what is ours and then forge a path forward as opposed to waiting or passively hoping that something happens or changes. So getting clear about what it is, taking small actions around those things. Around what we need and speaking up and communicating whatever it is, whatever those needs and wants are communicating clearly. And being honest about them.

[00:13:25] I think a lot of times, We're not honest about what we desire and what we're wanting from our life. And it creates problems. If we don't communicate what we need and want from people, how are they supposed to know? People can't read our minds. So it's our responsibility to assert our needs and desires, communicate them outwardly and then draw boundaries when our needs are not being met. That means that may mean leaving bad situations, changing jobs.

[00:13:55] Finding new places to live. Whatever it may be. Change isn't comfortable. And sometimes when we come to the realization that what we desire is not possible where we are in our current state. That's scary knowing that we have to make these changes, but that is how we get out of those situations. And if we're unwilling to do that,

[00:14:18] Then we're guaranteeing that we're going to be. Stuck. And most likely, very dissatisfied. In our lives and where we are. So we get clear on what we want. We take action around it and we speak up and we communicate it. That's how we be assertive around our needs. And it's a very powerful process is a very simple thing, but it's very powerful.

[00:14:39] If we're willing to. To speak up and communicate what it is that we need and want.

[00:14:47] So communicating what we want and need. Is a critical piece to this, but a lot of people don't find that that's possible. They don't, they struggle with communicating their needs. They struggle with feeling.

[00:15:02] Worthy. And. That does come into play here. Our word does come into play. Regarding our ability to speak up and communicate our needs. And once. When I was in my twenties and early thirties. I was deeply broken and depressed and sad and had low self esteem. And a huge part of that was I didn't feel worthy of having what I wanted, having healthy relationships, having good friendships, having a good life of balance and expression. I didn't feel worthy of it because of the stories that I was carrying inside of myself.

[00:15:41] Over time. I learned. Too. Understand the pain and experiences that I had as a young kid. And I've incorporated that into my adulthood and I've claimed reclaimed my parenting to myself because I'm an adult now. I'm not a kid. I don't have to rely on other people. That realization can help us to understand.

[00:16:05] We can be that person that we hoped and needed when we were young. And so we can work on our worth. So if we feel unworthy, If we feel like we don't deserve these things, like we don't deserve what we want and need. Then that's often a sign that there is deeper work that we must do within ourselves. That there's something, there's some beliefs stories, things that we are.

[00:16:30] Operating out of that may have once been true, but are no longer true. And. As a seven year old in a home, depending upon people and adults. You are limited in what you do. You are dependent upon the people around you. You do have limited choices. You don't have the freedom to live as you want. But as an adult, that's not the case. You can create a career. You can live and learn skills. You can live the life you desire. You can make things your own. You can go out and get the things that you want. You can earn income, you can have the things that we desire.

[00:17:06] So if we don't reflect on those stories, those beliefs that are hindering us in limiting ourselves. The way that we do the way that we're limiting ourselves from the past, thinking about ourselves the same way we thought about ourselves when we were nine, even though we may now be adults, we will live that life.

[00:17:26] As if that's true. So reflecting on those beliefs, those stories allows us to reshape those stories, reframe those stories, and then live from now live from our present limp from our adult state. And that ability. Allows us to work on our worth to realize that we are worthy. Of having what we desire, what we need. We are worthy of living a life of our own.

[00:17:53] And making things into what we desire. We are worthy. To have what we want and need.

[00:18:02] And so if you're feeling that resistance to what you desire and need, it could be an indicator that there are some stories, some beliefs that are hindering your ability to move forward. And live in alignment with what you desire as an adult. So working on those things, getting help, if you need it, if you need somebody to talk through some of these things with that can be very helpful too, but exploring tools and techniques, journaling has always been a big thing for me. Self dialogue.

[00:18:28] Self parenting through that dialoguing process, really engaging with your inner child can help uncover some of these worth challenges. These inner. Limits that we may feel around who we are.

[00:18:42] And that work that assertiveness. This is again like, this is how we assert ourselves. To create worth and create value in ourselves is by taking action by being proactive in our desire, to understand and empathize and show compassion for who we are, to understand our stories and our beliefs and work to transform them. That is how we're proactively asserting ourselves to heal to.

[00:19:09] Take action. We do that through action. Action is the quintessential essence of being assertive, taking action and going after what we want.

[00:19:19] And that leads into this final bit here around taking action, which is ultimately how we counter all this. Action is an incredible thing. When we start to get into the habit of producing and being productive and building and creating and taking action in our lives in many ways. It's addictive. You start to lose tolerance for people who simply complain or live in a state of victim hood all the time. That's the story that they.

[00:19:49] Our living within. And, but they complain they spend their energy complaining and moaning about things. Whereas when you shift into an action oriented phase, when you get into an assertive mode, Instead of complaining or being upset about things or just. Griping about the world. You go about change through action, not complaining. There's a difference. So it's like one complaints. The other take action. That's a very different approach to life. So taking an action oriented approach to life is how we counter a lot of this passive nonsense that we're experiencing in our world today.

[00:20:27] And you do that by starting small. Just taking small steps. This does not have to happen overnight. It won't happen overnight. Habits change by small. Significant steps, small, consistent steps. That's how significance builds Is the small, tiny steps each day. So. If it's the weight loss piece that we were talking about earlier, it could be starting an exercise routine that we do for 15 minutes a day, or perhaps it's, if we are, perhaps we're not doing any calorie counting at all, perhaps the first step is I'm not going to change anything about my diet, but first and foremost, I'm going to get a read on the calories that I'm taking in on a daily basis.

[00:21:13] So. My first step of action is to account for the total number of calories that I'm taking in each day. So it's not changing the diet. It's not going on a strict diet or going on a crazy exercise routine. It's first getting. A read on where we are. So that's a small step, an example of a small step that we can take.

[00:21:33] It's learning a skill again, small steps. We could sign up for a, an entry-level course where we start to learn things one bit at a time, just one step at a time. Starting small is a great way. To counter the overwhelm and fear that we feel when we're often trying to make changes in our lives, because we have this. I mean, when you look at climbing a mountain, it's incredibly intimidating, but when you look at just what's in front of you and just one step at a time, it's a lot more manageable.

[00:22:05] The whole concept of eating the elephant one bite at a time. Is built around all of this it's you can't eat a whole elephant by swallowing it all at once. You have to take small, tiny bites and you do that, right. That's the same concept here. Is starting small and whatever area that may be in your life.

[00:22:22] And, and committing to small actions daily over time, which builds habits, which will expand into larger actions and which will end up. Being a significant amount of change consistently over time as we do these things.

[00:22:39] Another aspect is to simply ask for what we want. Ask, do we want to make more money than ask for the raise? Do we want a different partner than ask the person that we want to go out with? Do we want something different? Ask for it, whatever that may be, even if we're asking life. I'm telling you asking is a very simple but powerful tool that we can leverage in our lives to make change, to take action.

[00:23:05] Asking for the things that we want and being clear about what it is that we need. That's coming back to the, some of the earlier parts there's understanding our needs and being clear about what that is. But ultimately asking for the things that we want allows us to take an action oriented approach.

[00:23:22] To what we want and need. Now, this does require courage. You're going to be uncomfortable. You're going to be. Afraid. You're going to be sad, confused. All of these things will come up during this process. It's inevitable. So this takes courage to live

[00:23:40] But know that when you live this way, you're stepping outside of the bounds of the normal. You're stepping outside of mediocrity and you're, you are reclaiming the excellence that lives within you. So this does take courage though, and that's fine. It's understandable that we need courage to build through these things. And so courage is acting.

[00:24:01] Despite of what we're feeling, not the absence of those feelings, but despite what we're feeling, so. Understanding we will need courage. To make these changes and that we will feel. Fear fear is natural in this process. It's a big piece to this. Is feeling afraid if we're not feeling much fear than we're probably not making much change. Fear is a healthy response to changes to new environments, to things that we're doing, that we've never done before. That's a natural and healthy thing. So feeling fear, recognizing it, leaning into it, embracing it can allow us to.

[00:24:42] Be assertive in our lives and make the change that we desire and need to live the life that So being assertive can truly transform our lives. If we are able and willing to do this on a daily basis, if we are willing to speak up, if we are willing to take action, and if we are willing to go out and get what we want.

[00:25:04] If we desire something, communicating it, asking for it, calling it out is crucial. You'd be surprised at how simple this can be. How few of us do this, but when we make the change, how big of an impact it can have in our lives when we're willing to be assertive and go after what we desire. So that's all I got for to show today.

[00:25:29] Looking at next week's episodes, I've got a bunch of episodes planned out. I am just going to continue to roll out topics like this. There's so much to discuss that layers into humanity. Reaching our potential living fulfilled lives, learning, growing. How do we master ourselves? How do we master the world that we live within?

[00:25:50] These are things that are lifelong pursuits that we can all align with and make our own and build upon. And so I'm just enjoying, discussing these things and I'm hoping you're finding value in the topics as we continue to expand on. Creating order within ourselves and mastering our lives to find and create the fulfillment we desire so with that being said y'all until next time.

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