Podcast Transcript | Ep. 31

The Nice Guy Fallacy

The Nice Guy Fallacy | Ep. 31

[00:00:00]

[00:00:46] Hello and welcome everyone. I'm your host, Brandon Ward back with another episode of order within. Episode number 31. Cruising right along. Today's episode is going to be discussing. The nice guy fallacy.

[00:01:05] And. This is a common thing that I see in men, young men in particular that can linger into adulthood . I certainly fell. Into this realm for a good bit of my life, particularly in my twenties, I didn't really understand the distinction. Which wing being honest and truthful with women. I was.

[00:01:26] I grew up in a house of mostly women. And so I learned a lot of the behaviors and I, and I. Denied a lot of my masculine traits when I was younger. That led to a lot of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in my life. I wasn't happy with who I was and where I was in my life and the relationships that I had. Part of that was understanding. What. Is known as the nice guy.

[00:01:53] Mindset perspective, whatever it is. And so in today's show, we're going to dive into what the nice guy fallacy is. We're going to talk about problems with this problems. This path creates. We're going to talk about how culture and media can mislead us.

[00:02:10] We're talking about the passive approach that it is. I'm going to give some examples in cinema. And then last talk about how we can go about killing that nice guy within us in a healthy way. With, without sacrificing ourselves and who we are.

[00:02:26] All right, so let's get in. So what is the nice guy fallacy?

[00:02:30] The nice guy. Fallacy from my perspective and many other people who feel like who have who've communicated about these things. Uh, I read a. Book. Literally around this. Premise of the nice guy fallacy. And effectively what the nice guy is, is a guy who's. Appearing to be very friendly and nice to women in order to get what they want, which is often sexual advances and have their sexual needs met.

[00:02:59] So men. Who don't learn how to be assertive and proactive with what they want in a healthy way. They learn these passive approaches. This. Backhanded approach with women. Which is. Typically built around offering a bunch of emotional support as a friend. With the hopes that they will one day be able to win the affection of said female.

[00:03:28] And so this is something that a lot of men. Struggle with, if they don't learn how to be active. And assertive for what they want. And I struggled with this for years, as I was saying earlier. And when we're not honest about what we want. When we're when we're appearing to be a friend, but really we want more, like, that's the essence, the key essence of the nice guy fallacy is that your.

[00:03:57] Presenting yourself as a friend, as a safe, trusted party. But you really want more than what your sharing you want more than a friendship? I'm not saying that men and women can't be friends. I have women that are friends and we have great relationships. It's purely friend, it's purely platonic, and it's always been that way. So you can definitely do that, but you have to own what the relationship is. And so a lot of men make the mistake of thinking that.

[00:04:25] I can be nice or friendly to this girl or this woman. And when her over in time, But never sharing that from the beginning. They're just appearing to be the friend. And so that becomes a trusted. Way.

[00:04:42] That becomes a trusted way that.

[00:04:46] Women lean into men. For friendship. But then they are. Thrown off when the man eventually pleads, and gives his, all of his affection, all of his feelings, he exposes what he really feels. He pours his heart With the hopes that. Sharing his truth will change her mind. I've been here for you all the time. I've been here for you this whole way. Why? I'm the one who really cares. I listened to you. I stay with you. I'm always there when you need me. Why don't you want me like that?

[00:05:21] That's the essence of the nice guy fallacy is pretending to be a friend in order to have to get sexual connection with a female, but never being honest about it. And. And so it's a passive approach. And it creates problems though. The problems is path creates when we do this as men. Is there's an entitlement to it.

[00:05:42] Because we feel now that we've invested time and energy into this relationship, time and energy into this friendship. With this female, we feel entitled to her affection, to her relationship to her sexuality. We've earned the right. How dare you deny what we've earned, how do you not see all the things that I do for you?

[00:06:01] All the kindness that I give, all the conversations that we've had, all the listening that I've done. Don't I deserve something for that. So it creates an entitlement mentality. It's dishonest. It's extremely dishonest when you're pretending to be someone's friend. Or only being a friend. To one day, hope to change that into a sexual relationship.

[00:06:25] An intimate relationship with a female, then you're not being honest. You're not being honest about who you are and what you want. And what you're looking for in that relationship. And if that creates massive problems, obviously living dishonestly can. Create a lot of challenges that we face in relationships.

[00:06:43] But it's. It's a cruel thing to do. Appearing to be nice and genuine, but really we're being dishonest about what we desire and our feelings. It's also extremely frustrating if you're the dude and if you're the female, because you think as the female, you have a friend and you're enjoying and learning and connecting with a male person and you're not.

[00:07:07] A male friend, and you're not concerned with the sexual component of it, but. They are bringing that into it, even though that may not be what you want as the female. And the male is frustrated because they're not getting what they actually want. So it frustrates everyone. It's not good for any of us. It's a massively frustrating situation.

[00:07:25] From that perspective.

[00:07:28] Because no one's getting what they want again. And lastly it's manipulative. It's very manipulative to behave this way. And I think that was the biggest thing that changed for me. Once I realized that. By not communicating what I honestly want to women. By thinking that I was doing I felt superior.

[00:07:49] Like, I'm a nice guy. I'm in touch with my feelings. I care about this woman. I care about her wellbeing. I care about her emotions. Trying to act like though that I didn't want intimacy that I was above that almost, but really I wanted it desperately. That's the funny thing is like it's manipulative in the sense that.

[00:08:08] We believe we're doing the right thing. We believe we're doing and walking the superior path, but really we're simply. Manipulating a person to hopefully get what we want, whether we're aware of it or not. A lot of us aren't even aware that we're doing this. We think that we're doing the right thing. We think that being the nice guys to pat society has told us be good to women, be kind to women. It's the counter to toxic masculinity, right?

[00:08:33] We're over. It's wrong to be aggressive with women Like the advances and doing all these things, but we've gone too far in the other direction. Like toxic masculinity is real, but nice guy masculine or nice guy toxicity is real too. It's walking the middle path. The balance path. That's often the best way forward. It's encompassing all of what we are. We can still be emotionally supportive and kind and loving to women, and also want to ravage them physically and be open and honest about our sexuality and be clear about what we want. Not just friendship, but sexuality as well, because that's the

[00:09:13] When we go into relationships, we're looking for companionship, friendship, intimacy, connection, all of those things. That's healthy. That's natural. That's a beautiful thing. So it's not shameful or bad to want those things, but it's wrong of us to not disclose them to not share them. And. Our culture.

[00:09:32] Misleads us about this so much in our culture growing up. I remember particularly, I mean, I was born in 85. And so I grew up in the nineties in West Virginia. Eighties and nineties and early two thousands. And so much of the media. And movies and shows that we were consuming were built around this idea. The kind of passive, nice guy, man.

[00:09:54] That eventually would win the woman. Through his persistent, his care, his thoughtfulness, and he's different in all of this. And I bought into all that and I was miserable. Because it's not real. It's not honest. It's not how reality is reflected. Most men. Have. A wide spectrum of needs connected to our relationships and what we are looking for in a partner. And often that is.

[00:10:22] Companionship relationship and sexuality that closeness and that intimacy that's okay. But we were taught so much in our culture in this time that that's wrong to be intentional, to be assertive. To be open and honest about what you want. You can be assertive and open and honest and in a healthy, balanced way, you don't have to be a creep like that. You can do that without being a creep.

[00:10:47] And that's the biggest thing is that culture and media is showing us a false reality. The things that we see in cinema are not what. Are reflected in real life. Most women are very turned off by that. Type of behavior. Women are drawn to men who are honest, who are authentic, who are real, who were forceful with what they want, but not in a creepy.

[00:11:11] Aggressive. Powerful way that's over assertive, like crossing boundaries. We can. Be mindful of boundaries and be assertive at the same time. That's the difference? So it's, our media has misled us into believing that that's what women want, but really it's not real. It's not what real life women actually want. Right. And so we're going to go through some examples later.

[00:11:34] Of some characters in movies that reflect the nice guy fallacies and then strong men, which I think are good examples of strong, assertive men who are going after what they want and doing it in a healthy way, in a respectful way in. In a way that honors boundaries, but our culture shows a lot of passive men. And even when you look at television, you look at movies.

[00:11:58] The men, the fathers, the husbands, whatever are often seen and treated and shown as these bumbling idiots. They're just, they don't know anything. They need help with everything. They're basically children is the way they present them or they show them as these overly sensitive. Thoughtful, very kind of feminized men. That's a lot of what we're being shown in film and television today. And a lot of boys, young boys are internalizing this. I was one of them and being raised by mostly women. I didn't have what I felt like was healthy examples of men so I've had to figure all this stuff out.

[00:12:36] And unpack. These wounds and all this craziness inside So that I could finally connect with my masculinity and be authentic to who I am. And in that connection to my masculine side has made a huge difference. I'm genuinely feel peace within myself. And my masculinity and I've never been, I've never felt better about it, but you have to go through that process yourself and you have to incorporate that.

[00:13:00] Into your own life through establishing that relationship. But first recognizing.

[00:13:06] These. Ideals that were being presented or these examples in culture and society are often incorrect and it can lead us down a very long and painful path. And that's what I'm sharing. A lot of this for is to avoid that. So you can avoid those same things. So if you're a young man, And you're listening to this and you're hoping to find a partner. I hope that you can resonate with the journey because what ends up happening when you live this way, you end up.

[00:13:32] Always dissatisfied. You come off as needy. You never get the girl you want. You're always chasing someone you're never getting, you're never having that fulfillment of being loved and respected and honored by a partner. And you go, you achieve that by living your life a certain way to where you earn that respect. You have that admiration from your partner and you're loved because of who you are.

[00:13:56] So for me, the objective is to activate that in you so that you can find that strength and power in your own And you can live that way as a man and you can be your authentic masculine self and attract a partner that's aligned with who you are. That having that kind of love and admiration and respect is something that I didn't think was possible.

[00:14:17] Until I met my wife, but I had to go through a lot of work internally to get to that point. I was very much a boy. Very wounded, very immature for a lot of my life in relationships, I was using sex and women as a means to make myself feel better. I was very insecure. So I was womanizing a lot. I was sleeping around. I was not happy in any of that though. I was only using women to make myself feel better. So I was being false in my expression.

[00:14:48] And I was unhappy for it. So the goal is to help you, if you feel that or struggling with these things so that you can avoid these things and learn from it and grow and move forward. Because what it ultimately is is it's taking a passive approach. By being the quote unquote, nice

[00:15:08] We're not revealing what we actually want. We're not being honest about the fact that we want intimacy. We want sexual connection. We want those things with the girl that we're pursuing. We're hiding how we really feel. And that leads to a lot of disappointment for everyone involved. And it just always ends in heartache. And I just, I remember so much of being that guy, that everything, when I was insecure and I didn't have purpose or direction in my life,

[00:15:38] I was, this was in my early twenties. I was just graduating college. I mean, during college I just everything about my life revolved around the girl at that time, the girl that I thought would change everything. And it's so much pressure to put on another human being it's absurd and that's. That's often what this is, is we're centering our whole focus around a female figure.

[00:16:01] Really it's about them coming in and rescuing us and taking away all the negative, dark feelings that we feel within ourselves. So women become a means to make ourselves feel better and we're expecting them to rescue us. That's a very childish perspective. And so I carried that childish perspective for a very long time.

[00:16:20] Until I realized I needed to grow up. I need to mature and I needed to handle my emotions, the things that were happening inside myself, and I needed to address them because it's not the responsibility of anyone else to fix those things, to address those things, to heal those wounds. And so. When we focus, like the nice guy tendency is this whole central theme is we don't feel good about our lives. We don't feel good about ourselves and that a female can be the one.

[00:16:49] The figure that can change all that could, that can change our life, that can give our life purpose. That can make things meaningful. Again, it can. Give us the happy feelings that we're seeking, but that's the fallacy is that nobody can do that for us except ourselves. And until we embrace that responsibility, we will always end up being disappointed

[00:17:08] If we're putting that much pressure and responsibility on someone else, it's only inevitable that they will let us down because that's our responsibility. As humans, all of us have that responsibility to take care of ourselves. And manage our emotions and feelings. When we give that responsibility away.

[00:17:26] We're creating a fatal mistake and we do that so much. So Moving away from centering your whole life around a female figure or that ideal partner and looking at building a life that is one you want to live one that's active, one that's proactive, that's assertive, that's vision oriented. That's built around interests that you have outside of a partner. And that becomes.

[00:17:54] The way we go about doing this is by becoming the person that we desire to be by being the best version of ourselves by really dating ourselves and figuring out who it is that we want to be. And living true to that and living close to that vision and building the vision of ourself and having something that we're pursuing, having a mission, having that vision that we are building towards.

[00:18:17] That's what makes us an attractive partner? Is that assertive, intentional approach to life. And. As I mentioned earlier, it's this passive approach. It's dishonest about what we want. So being clear about what we want is the way out of this and finding that vision within ourselves. To move forward. And so.

[00:18:41] Jumping into the next section. Here is examples in cinema, which I love this kind of stuff. I'm going to do this on every episode, moving forward is giving some examples around fiction or history or cinema. That can illustrate what I'm talking about, because this is how we all can relate to these things. I think it makes it so much easier when we can point to a specific example and learn from that. I've got four examples, two nice guy examples. And then two strong men examples I think to counter. So we'll start with the nice guy fallacy side. The first example is going to be Tom and 500 days of summer. That's Joseph Gordon Levitt's character in that movie, if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it's a great film, but the whole concept is built at 500 days of summer. The girls name, his his.

[00:19:27] Love interest is named summer in the movie. That's played by Zooey Deshanel. So the 500 days of summer is like the 500 days that he had met this girl. And what that, all that whole experience he had with her. But Tom is a prime example of a guy. Who was never honest about what he wants to summer and is clear about never truthful about what he's desiring. And he's hoping that through backhanded manipulation his being niceness is being there for summer, that she will eventually change her mind. Summer. However, is being truthful to him is being honest from the get go.

[00:20:02] She's being clear about. What she wants. And they had a little moment early on where things were great, but then again, that neediness, that desire to be, to making the female, the center of your world. Is not attractive. It's a very unattractive quality to have for women. And so he goes about doing that in the movie. Tom makes summer the center of his life. He's obsessed with her. He can't think about anything else and do trust me. I've been there. I've been in that space. It's not fun where the only thing you can think about as that girl, and you just want her to like you and care about you so much, but she doesn't, and it just makes it worse.

[00:20:38] And the more you press, the more needy you, you become, the more they push away, the more distance it creates. It's a vicious cycle. And so this movie illustrates that wonderfully. And so Tom never really, he eventually realizes that. He's been kind of part of the problem here, but then at the end of it, it looks like it's about to kick into another, like autumn is the whole next phase, but Tom.

[00:21:04] In his dishonesty and not being clear about what he wants. He goes through this terrible situation that he puts himself through because he's not being clear and truthful about what it is. And he's claiming to be a nice guy, but he's actually a Dick. Because he's being untruthful. He's misleading summer and he's being emotionally manipulative. He's being mean to her. He's doing a lot of these things that are not quality.

[00:21:30] Characteristics that we want to bring into relationships. We want to bring honesty and authenticity and our genuineness to that. He wasn't doing any of that. And so there was a lot of suffering that created, that was created from that. If only he were able to be honest with himself and be clear about what he wanted and if she didn't want that, then you break away and you move on. And that's something that I'm going to talk a little bit

[00:21:52] Uh, in the next section here. But Tom is a great example. So if you haven't seen that movie, I'd definitely suggest you checking it out to give you a clear picture of the quintessential nice guy. The next one on the list here. Now this one's extreme right. This, but it illustrates so clearly what this is about.

[00:22:11] Joe Goldberg from you. Now, this is a Netflix show. It's about a murderer. The guy's literally a murderer. So this is an extreme example. As I had said, But Joe is the quintessential nice guy. He is not honest about anything. And the great thing about this show is you get the inner workings. You hear his thoughts throughout the story.

[00:22:34] And you see how he's living, the things that he's saying to people, the things that he's saying to people in the relationships that he's in and what he's actually thinking inside what he's actually feeling inside. He is a very dishonest. Person throughout that whole show. And he literally goes about killing people that he ends up not having what he wants from them, which is the ultimate expression of the nice guy. Fallacy is the suppression of your feelings of the total suppression of your feelings so much so that instead of acknowledging those feelings and how they're absurd, we go about destroying the thing that we are obsessed with.

[00:23:12] So if no one can have it, if I can't have it, then no one can, I'm going to destroy that thing. Now, again, that's an extreme example. But.

[00:23:21] Joe is the ultimate nice guy. He's appearing to be nice. He's coming up with all this information. He's doing all this weird research. Around people's social media. He's stalking people so he can figure out what they want and present an image of himself to that person based on what he believes they want.

[00:23:40] That's the ultimate manipulation and nice guys do that so much. We change ourselves in order to reflect what we think our partner would want. Instead of being who we are authentically, therefore we're not accepting who we are and we're living a lie. Living a lie will ultimately lead to disaster. And this show illustrates that.

[00:24:01] Magnificently. Like I, this is one of those shows that I both hate and love because it makes me angry. The behavior. And particularly as it goes deeper into the seasons, the girl gets involved and she's also. Very false and a lot of ways. But it's all built around that false way of living the false type of life.

[00:24:23] And. His example of a character is very extreme. But man, he is not honest or genuine in any way. He's always manipulating, pretending and appearing to be something that he is not, which is the essence of the nice guy. We're not accepting who we are and we're not being authentic to who we are. Those are nice guys. I suggest if you want check those out, I think it will give you a good idea of what I'm meaning here.

[00:24:49] Now strong, man, I think are great examples. Relative to this type of thing, right? There's a lot of healthy versions of masculinity that I'm going to talk about on the show that I've talked about some in the past. I love doing these types of things, particularly in cinema. But. This is more related to dating.

[00:25:06] And the counter to the nice guy fallacy. So the first one is going to be Jake from 16 candles I'm a huge. Huge fan. Of this movie and. Many of the others by the classic John Hughes. But Jake is a great example of this because now he comes from a wealthy family. He's a good looking kid. He's a popular kid. He could really have any female he wants in that school. That's the idea, but he wants.

[00:25:36] He wants the younger girl. He wants the girl. That's interesting to him. He wants the girl that is more than just a piece of sex, which is his current girlfriend. His current girlfriend is a super popular girl. She's pretty, she's blonde. She's all of those things, but he's bored with that. She's into partying.

[00:25:54] She's not into the things that he's interested in. He's actually wanting, he talks about this too. The. One of the nerdier characters in the film. Who's also in a ton of John whose films, which I love him. I can't think of his name in real life right now, but Uh, great actor had been a lot of great films.

[00:26:10] The they talk quite a bit in the show in the movie. And. He's Jake is expressing to him. Like, I want love, man. I want something real. I'm not interested in those things. And he's teaching the younger band, the younger boy about this too. The younger man is all about sex. He wants sex. He wants to ahhh. So frenzied by it.

[00:26:31] Because he's never had sex, so he's obsessed with But Jake is teaching him. It's not all about that, man. It's more than just sex. It's more than just the physical thing. And so he's talking about wanting something deeper, wanting something more meaningful. And so he's attracted. To the character, the main character in the movie, the girl.

[00:26:50] The girl, the whole thing is based around 16 candles or 16th birthday. And Molly. Gosh, I'm messing this up. My wife's going to kill me again. I believe her name's Molly in the movie. And so that's the whole. He wants her because she's smart. She's different. She's cute. She has this innocence about her. She has this wit about her. She's sharp. Like he's drawn to her for different reasons and he communicates that

[00:27:17] He's also open and honest about what he wants. He's clear about what he wants. He has opportunities to take advantage of his other girlfriend at some point in the movie. And he's like, dude, I don't want to do that. I'm not interested in that. I want something real. That's not what that is. So a guy that turns away.

[00:27:34] Opportunities to be manipulative or dishonest. In favor of being honest and truthful and something more deep, something more authentic. That's another characteristic. Of a strong male figure. And he's clear about what he wants the whole time. He's talking to his friends about it. He's pursuing her.

[00:27:50] Molly gets embarrassed because she's, can't believe that Jake would like him. You know, she's very shy. She's a younger girl, he's a senior, she's a sophomore, all that kind of stuff. The typical high school dynamics. That can exist sometimes. So his. His concept of being honest, being truthful, going after what he wants and pursuing it until he has what he wants is a prime example of, of, I think a strong, healthy, honest, authentic, masculine figure.

[00:28:18] Alright the next one here. The last one is Lloyd from say anything. This character is played by John Cusack, such a great film too. And it's it. It's the epitome of how you speak, what you want. You pursue With a healthy respect for boundaries, but you continue to pursue because you believe in the feelings that you have for that person. And in this movie,

[00:28:47] It's the it's the senior, she's the valedictorian in class. She's brilliant. She's beautiful. But she spent almost her whole high school career, very focused on school and doing all these things and she's planning to go. To a really great school. She ends up getting this incredible scholarship. But.

[00:29:06] Lloyd is a guy that doesn't really quite know what he wants to do yet with his life, but he's still figuring it out. And he's challenging the norms that you have to have your whole life figured out in high school, which I love. So he, his whole concept is challenging reality in and of itself as it is.

[00:29:19] But Lloyd is loved by everyone because he's honest, he's genuine. He's authentic when they go to that party together for the first time, Heather, I believe is her name. And when they go to that party together for the first time. They, she sees it. She sees how loved he is, how appreciated he is, how respected he is. Everyone loves him. He's a good guy. He genuinely cares about people. He's honest about his feelings. He helps people when they're down, he's truthful in his actions. He's consistent in his actions.

[00:29:47] And he pursues her. With, with a might but he's respectful. So he starts calling. He gets her number. Her home, he leaves a message and then she ends up calling him back and they have this conversation on the phone. Where initially louise trying to get her to go out on a date with And she's not feeling it like she's making excuses. I don't know. And he keeps persisting until she eventually agrees.

[00:30:12] And they go out on a date and she's shocked at how, like how much of a good time she had And it's because he's so authentic, he's honest in his behavior and he's also a gentleman he's not lying about what he wants. He's very clear about how beautiful she is and that he wants to be with her. And he wants to spend time with her. He was looking out for her the whole time at that party.

[00:30:35] He was respectful to her father. He made a commitment to her father that he would have her home at a certain time. So he honored his word. But he was very clear about what he wanted. He went after what he wanted. He wasn't manipulating, he wasn't being dishonest. He wasn't being overly aggressive either in ignoring boundaries.

[00:30:53] He was recognizing all these things and he was persisting because he believed in the connection that he felt for her. And that is a beautiful thing. That's a very different. Approach then the nice guy approach or the toxic masculine guy who does not respect boundaries and goes. Too far on everything and only cares about what he wants.

[00:31:13] That's an episode for a, that's a topic for another episode. But Lloyd is one of my favorite characters, illustrating, I think healthy masculinity and young men and I'm, and I'm sharing these examples in young men because I feel like this is when that really roots in, and if we don't root it out early on in life, it will stick with us until we're older. So I think this example shows that because.

[00:31:33] The mentality can stick with us throughout life, but we also have the opportunity to start working on that early on. And I think showing these men, these young men in high school, going through these things and being authentic as a way to show that we can do this at any point in our life. But it's more ideal to do it younger when we're earlier in our life.

[00:31:53] All right. So the last bit here, I'm going to wrap the episode here in the next few minutes, but the last bit here is what I'm saying is kill the nice guy and. We have to kill this nice guy within us. That fake, phony, dishonest way of living. And that doesn't mean we're not kind that we're not, we're not clear.

[00:32:11] Being clear and intentional is kind. That is how you're actually nice being honest and genuine and truthful about you want about what you want is the nice guy path being honoring and respecting boundaries, but persisting and being. Intentional about you want is the real nice guy. That's the authentic nice guy.

[00:32:28] So we have to kill that nice guy, by being honest, by being real connect with who we are, be genuine about what we want, explore ourselves to figure out who we are. We have to stop changing ourselves to reflect what we think another person will want. And we have to be who we are. And we have to shout that from the rooftops, we have to plant our flag in the sand and we have to say, you know what, this is who I am.

[00:32:51] This is what I'm into. This is what I like is what I don't like. Take it or leave it. This is who I am. Now, this doesn't mean we can't grow to get better, but I'm not going to change who I am. Like if I watch, if I love college football and I watch college football every Saturday, like a And that's what I'm into, then I need to own

[00:33:10] Don't sacrifice that for someone, if it's really a part of who you are and it's something you love. We do that too much. So we have to be honest about who we are. We have to speak our intentions and we have to know our value. We have to know our value, know that we have so much to give. One of the biggest things that changed for me as a man, a young man was realizing.

[00:33:32] I have a lot to

[00:33:34] I have a lot to give. I didn't feel that way for a very long time. I was very insecure. It wasn't until I started to connect with myself and learn about who I was and spend time with myself, I started to realize like, wow, I'm actually a pretty cool person. I'm actually a pretty rad dude. And I have a lot to offer someone.

[00:33:50] And someone will honor that and love that and appreciate who I am. I don't need to change who I am. If they want me to change who I am, then they're not right for me. And so I started to anchor that in and people that didn't honor and love me for who I was. I just started booting them out. And eventually I met my wife.

[00:34:06] And we have an incredible relationship and she loves me for who I was for who I am, but I was honest with her from the get go. I was real with her from the get go. And so being genuine allows us to do that. Being real allows us to do this in a way that we can live authentic to who we are, and we can attract the type of partner that's going to love who we are. So knowing our value is crucial.

[00:34:30] And doing that. And that takes time to learn about who we are, what we want and the things that matter to us. And over time that gets stronger and you just radiate that presence. And that's, what's attractive to partners is that presence that we carry. And that comes when we honor and love who we are when we live.

[00:34:47] Our authentic lives. It's a very powerful place to be in, in a very, very strong place to be. And it's possible, but it starts by taking action and being true to who we are. And don't let anyone feel, make you feel bad for, for wanting what you want.

[00:35:05] It's completely okay. Own it. The most incredible thing you can do is realize, like, think about yourself like this, your life is an adventure. And if it's not, you're going to make it that way. And you're going to start now by learning who you are, figuring out the things you like to do and doing more of that focus on your own interest in yourself and partners will come it's when we obsess about partners and then we don't have a life that we become very unattractive, live a life that your own align with who you are.

[00:35:33] And we naturally attract. That partner through our self-expression. That self-expression is the power of who we are. And when we start to realize that, like I am a person, if you visualize yourself as a bus or plane, And my life. Is a journey and adventure that I'm going on and that a partner would be lucky to go along with you to join that bus or that, that plane and fly around and an adventure with

[00:35:59] If you can view yourself. As an adventure as an, a catch. As a valuable partner. Then you'll radiate that, but you got to feel it. And if you're not feeling that, then you got to connect with yourself from within and you got to start to find and build that value within your own life and make your life that way.

[00:36:17] So that it's attractive to other people through your expression of self. That's to me the best way we counter this nice guy component. And we live honest and genuine to who we are. So with that being said, y'all, I hope you enjoyed this episode. I'm going to be talking more about masculinity, men, these things this type of stuff, because this is so important to me, it means a lot to me. And I see so much challenges that we face in our society today around these things. So I do hope you're enjoying the content. I really enjoy doing this.

[00:36:48] Got the website up and rolling. Going to be transferring my transcripts over there. Building out some interesting things on that site, going to be looking to build a community. So I'm excited about all those things as well. So hopefully you're enjoying Uh, enjoying the show and joining the content.

[00:37:02] Hit me up. If you got any questions, hit me at Brandon Lee ward on Twitter. Otherwise until next time y'all.

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