Podcast Transcript | Ep. 61

Navigating Narcissism in Our Self-Centered World | Ep. 61

Navigating Narcissism in Our Self-Centered World | Ep. 61

[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to Order Within Navigating a world of endless chaos and crisis, many of us are experiencing inner turmoil, insecurity, anxiety, fears, and isolation. These feelings are only being amplified by news cycles. Social media and never ending political madness. How do we find our way out of the chaos?

[00:00:24] How do we find strength within ourselves? How do we find meaning in a world driven by materialism? These questions and many more I aim to answer on the show. My goal is to be a trusted guide on your journey to selfhood. May you find what you seek. Hello and welcome everyone. I'm your host. Brandon Ward. Back with another episode of order within. Episode number 61. Rolling right through. Today is a very relevant topic. And my mind, I [00:01:00] think it's very relevant to many of you as well. Obviously we're experiencing these things in the world. We're going to be discussing.

[00:01:07] Narcissism. And the impact that it has in our self-centered world. This is a big topic and there's a lot that goes into it. And you can't cover the full breadth of narcissism in a 30, 35 minute episode, but I'm going to do my best to bring a high level overview of this, and then talk about some practical things that we can do to identify these characteristics.

[00:01:28] And ourselves and others. And focus on how we can navigate. Narcissistic tendencies that have been on the rise here. In our society over the last few decades. So we're going to talk about what narcissism is. We're going to look at recognizing narcissistic behavior. When a navigate narcissistic relationships want to learn to cultivate empathy and emotional intelligence as a counter to all this.

[00:01:51] And then we're going to wrap the episode. So I want to start out with discussing. A. So a couple of [00:02:00] things here. Narcissism, I think first and foremost, It gets a really bad rap. And honestly it should. There's a lot of. Negativity that can come from narcissistic behaviors. But it's important to note that narcissism is created from wounds, emotional.

[00:02:19] Internal wounds. That happened to us often when we're very young. And we never engage or heal those wounds, those emotional wounds. Those wounds of our psyche. And they grow and fester over time into narcissistic behaviors, which. Turns into toxic behaviors. And has this. Never-ending effect that expands and ripples throughout our communities and our society. So it's.

[00:02:45] It is a very, it can have tons of negative consequences to it. That's why it's so important to talk about it and understand it. But it's recognizing that it's not something that people do on purpose. I think something that we have to understand is that a lot of these things happen in our [00:03:00] society are not.

[00:03:00] Are not on purpose. And because of that.

[00:03:05] It gives us the chance to be a little more empathetic on how we approach this stuff. Because if we don't, then we're going to have, we're going to continue to judge one another word. Continue to separate ourselves and disconnect from each other. So this is the episode is meant to build, understanding on where narcissism comes from.

[00:03:26] And why it's important to recognize this behavior in ourselves and others. And so we're going to start out with. Looking at the various manifestations from. Of narcissism. And how. The definition of it. And we're going to look at the difference between self-esteem and pathological. Components of it.

[00:03:53] So the way the. The American psychiatric associations DSM-V, which is basically [00:04:00] the encyclopedia of all the different disorders, mental disorders and things of that nature. Just define narcissistic personality disorder as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity and fantasy or behavior need for admiration.

[00:04:15] And lack of empathy beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.

[00:04:21] In there saying if you suspect someone is, who might need help from this personality disorder is essential to seek help from that. The key components. There are the kind of grandiose fantastical aspects of it, the need for admiration and the lack of empathy. And that's where the combination of these things come into play.

[00:04:39] And how they all kind of correlate together. So there's, they are, there are pathological components. Now there's healthy levels of narcissism, which is basically self-interest. There are healthy levels of interest self-interest, which are components of narcissism, but narcissism takes it to an unhealthy level. So there's a distinction between [00:05:00] self-esteem and narcissism. And there's a study that I want to talk a little bit about because there's it shown this growth.

[00:05:07] Relative to that. And there's been some pushback on the reasons behind this, and there's a lot of confusion around self-esteem. And narcissism and self-esteem is built from within ourselves. Whereas narcissism is going to be a very externally focused component. What I've come to learn and through my studies and learning from really smart people and also reflecting on my own narcissistic tendencies.

[00:05:31] And problems that I've had to work through. As a young man. We're built around the pain and the wounds that I had, the emotional wounds that I had. And so healthy self-esteem is not narcissistic. It comes from within and I've done a whole, I did a five-part series on self-esteem. The pillars, the six pillars of self-esteem from Nathaniel, Brandon.

[00:05:56] But ultimately there's so much of healthy. Self-esteem goes [00:06:00] into our ability to believe in ourselves, our our effectiveness and work that we do the confidence, the values that we bring, the purpose that we have, the impact that we make, the honesty that we bring in our day to day engagement, the truth that we offer ourselves and our relationship to ourselves.

[00:06:17] That's where self-esteem is built. It's really built within the self. Narcisse system comes and grows out of these external components. And what ends up happening is when we don't develop a healthy self relationship, which creates healthy self-esteem. We become pathological narcissists. That's the danger that we have.

[00:06:37] And the reason this is. Dangerous for society is because you end up having people that lack empathy. There's a lack of accountability and there is an excessive need for admiration. So it's not an intentional, genuine interest to serve or be helpful. It's more about the admiration that creates problematic behaviors.

[00:06:55] And this impacts our society at a large level. And so what I want to talk about [00:07:00] first, and then I'm going to get into the, we're not, I'm going to do a couple of things here. And then the next section here, we're going to get into types of common types of narcissism. But a study that was done.

[00:07:10] One of the most cited studies is from Jean M twinge. She's a professor of psychology at San Diego state university and her colleague colleagues. They conducted a minute analysis of American college students scores on the narcissistic personality inventory. Between 1979 and 2006. The study found that the average NPI scores have significantly increased over this period, suggesting a rise in narcissistic traits. Now twins and her colleagues attribute this increase to a variety of cultural shifts.

[00:07:41] Including changes in parenting styles and the influence of social media. They argue that parenting strategies have increasingly focused on building self-esteem. And this is where I wholeheartedly disagree with this because self-esteem is internal built on the person. And the energy, the vibe, the personality of [00:08:00] that human, the soul that they bring, the energy that they bring into the life, their psyche, that they bring their being.

[00:08:06] It's all internal. But they're looking at self esteem by people getting. Exaggerated blown up there they're worth their value. What they can do, what they can create without any kind of. Actual proof of that without any kind of actual substance to that. And that's the part that's not self-esteem though.

[00:08:25] That's actually feeding children, falsehoods, which does lead to narcissism. But that's the key thing is it's not, that's not healthy. Self-esteem. That's inflated. Imaginary components. And that's a lot of this leads to this problem. And that's what they're pointing to some sometimes leading to an inflated sense of self-worth.

[00:08:43] That's not self esteem. Healthy self-esteem is honest and truthful. That's a component of that. And if we're not honest with ourselves, if we're delusional about who we are and our parents and our society has contributed to that delusion, then it creates narcissism. It doesn't create self-esteem. [00:09:00] But the inflated sense of self worth.

[00:09:02] Is where that grandiose component, the fantasy component comes into play. And we're going to get into that more here. But social media on the other hand provides a platform for self promotion and validation seeking behaviors. So that absolutely fosters narcissistic tendencies, because it's all about the presentation and that's where narcissists live. And we'll talk about.

[00:09:23] Why that is and digging into it here in a minute. But a big part of what we need to look at. And as you all know, before I get into the next section, I'd like to give examples. To look at different stages of narcissism and give examples of narcissism and this first one, understanding it.

[00:09:39] And seeing narcissism, the, a big one is from a film example would be American psycho, which was directed by Mary Harron. The character of Patrick Bateman exemplifies extreme narcissism showcasing. An obsession with his appearance, status and power, all external note. Right? All of that is external. The way you look, the status that you have in [00:10:00] society and the power that you hold is all driven externally as well as a lack of empathy.

[00:10:05] And a propensity for violence. So again, because the narcissist sees themselves as untouchable unbreakable. Perfect. All of these things, these imagined views, they are capable of doing whatever they want without consequence. And so he, in that movie, Patrick Bateman exemplifies. The extremes of narcissism.

[00:10:28] But now we're going to move into recognizing the narcissistic behaviors in the different types of narcissism. So I want to talk about the four common. Types of narcissism. The first is going to be grandiose narcissism, also known as overt narcissism. This type of narcissism is characterized by extreme confidence. Arrogance.

[00:10:46] And a strong sense of entitlement. Entitlement is another danger that comes with narcissism because people are entitled to things they're entitled to people's lives. They're entitled to money. They're entitled to you. They're entitled to a lot of things. This [00:11:00] creates danger, particularly when you have individuals like this in leadership roles or positions of power.

[00:11:07] Individuals with grandiose narcissism often have an inflated self image and consider themselves superior to others. So again, there's a hierarchy, there's a scale above and below. That's again, recognizing this social, external power structure that many people have on earth. They are typically outgoing, extroverted, assertive, and unafraid of expressing their views. They often crave admiration and attention from others.

[00:11:33] The challenge here is that people who are confident assured of themselves. Can also be very outgoing, extroverted, assertive, and unexpressed unafraid of expressing their views. A key distinction is accountability. They can recognize their faults. They know they're not perfect. They don't see themselves as above or below other people. They recognize the equality in all of us. So there's a healthy level of respect and love and [00:12:00] admiration for others, not just themselves. So the overt narcissist is going to be very grandiose, very extroverted.

[00:12:06] And want all the admiration. Not because they care, but because they need that. And again, When you don't have an internal anchor when you don't have an internal base to build from. Narcissism is the thing that steps in and fills that gap. It's basically the fragile. Over inflated ego. That's really covering up all the wounds and pain that they feel within the lack of self that they feel, everything is built around their externals. So they feel like they have to perform. They're wearing a mask.

[00:12:39] And they're showing the world this ideal version of themselves that they believe they need to do. That's why. It's so important to understand that so much of this happens. From usually abusive scenarios or neglectful scenarios. So it's people that do this. Aren't bad people per se. Things happen, but this ends up taking over their life. And if they [00:13:00] don't recognize it, they become very dangerous.

[00:13:03] The next type of narcissism is vulnerable narcissism. Also known as covert narcissism. This type is characterized by hypersensitivity, defensiveness and withdrawal in situations where the individual self-esteem is threatened. Again, the self-esteem using this in this component is not accurate in my perspective, because self-esteem is from within this lack of, they actually have a lack of self-esteem.

[00:13:27] That's what narcissists are missing is true. Love and affection for themselves. Something that's built from within, not something conditional outside of ourselves. Uh, not something that's based on behaviors. But it's the lack of the internal anchor, that internal self that creates the vacuum, that narcissistic tendencies step into.

[00:13:50] So now they might appear shy or introverted. Despite this. They also have a strong sense of entitlement and may exhibit passive aggressive behaviors. These individuals often Harbor [00:14:00] fantasies about their own grandeur and have a strong desire for admiration. But these traits are typically not as overt as in grandiose narcissism.

[00:14:08] When I was, and now we're never done. I'm never done with the work. We're never done with the work on ourselves, but when I was really lost in wounded, I had a combination of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. I was more covert in my narcissism though, because of the family that I grew up in, I was raised by women mostly.

[00:14:27] And which means I operated more in a feminine way, which is Mo more covert had I grown up in a more masculine male driven home. I probably would have been more grandiose, which is more confident, more extroverted, more forceful outside. I was very passive. I was shy in a lot of ways. I was meek.

[00:14:45] And I was dishonest. I had a lot of hypersensitivity. I was very defensive. And I would run away from situation. So I was very much a covert narcissist and a lot of points in my life based on the wounds that I had. So [00:15:00] when I talk about this stuff, y'all I know because I've experienced these things myself. I know, I remember being like this.

[00:15:06] Very sensitive and defensive about me. It's because I didn't have self-esteem. I had a terrible relationship with myself. I didn't love who I was. I wasn't accepting of who I was. And I was wounded. I was feeling rejected, isolated. And miserable. And that's often what happens. That's the void that gets filled though by narcissistic behaviors.

[00:15:27] Now the next components, these two are more extreme than so the third one is going to be malignant narcissism. And this type is considered the most severe form of narcissism. It is characterized by antisocial behavior, paranoia, aggression, and sadism, malignant narcissist are often ruthless, manipulative, enjoy causing and enjoy causing harm to others. They usually lack empathy and have a strong sense of entitlement and superiority.

[00:15:50] You'll notice. The commonality there. And all these different types of narcissists, we're often going to be a mix of them in some ways, right? But this goes very [00:16:00] extreme, but the key components are a lack of empathy, ruthlessness. A strong sense of entitlement and superiority. So the component of being superior to others of believing yourself to be superior to others is a huge component of narcissism.

[00:16:15] So if that's something you recognize in yourself, Be mindful of that, because that is a very slippery slope. And you've got to recognize and look into why that is. And get down to the root of what it is that you're trying to overcompensate for. Because in my mind, once you get back to this healing point, once you start to heal within yourself, you realize the glory that all of us hold because you connect with it and experience it in yourself.

[00:16:39] And you now start to see it in other people, you realize that we all have this power. But for a malignant narcissist, this is the last thing that they want. Narcissists want to be superior. They are entitled to other people, other people's time, money, energy, and they want to be better than they are higher than.

[00:16:55] And they will do whatever they need to do to keep that higher status. That's why the focus [00:17:00] of our society, which is so socially driven, status driven, social media money, all of these things have only amplified all this narcissistic tendency because it's all about appearances. Your social self. I've talked about this before.

[00:17:17] The inner self and the social self that's one of my earliest episodes. If you haven't listened to it, I encourage you to do that, but it talks a lot about the distinction there. Of what that is. And why it's so important to understand it.

[00:17:30] The last one is the communal narcissism is communal NAR narcissism, communal narcissists get their sense of self-worth from being perceived as helpful caring and altruistic. However, their altruism usually has a self-serving motive. They may constantly seek recognition for their good deeds and get upset when they do not receive the praise. They feel they deserve again, external validation. There's no internal compass. It's all about praise adoration and getting the [00:18:00] love that they need outside because there's no internal love.

[00:18:03] Most people that have this were often neglected or deeply abused, and they don't have a sense of self at all. So they're relying on. Others and the external world to provide that to them. But the communal narcissist. It's very dangerous. I experienced a ton of that when I lived in California. All so much of the new age movement is built around this whole concept of communal narcissism, how great people are, if you've ever watched the show, yellow jackets.

[00:18:31] The character Misty. And that show is a prime example of a communal narcissist. If you don't know about that show. It's a young high school soccer team, a female soccer team. They crash in out somewhere in the wilderness. They end up surviving for 19 months out there. The show is really crazy and wild. I, if you're into that kind of stuff, it's very interesting.

[00:18:51] But Misty the very first day. She jumps into action starts helping everyone is helping with wounds. Very tending to [00:19:00] all the needs. She's doing a great thing. She overhears her friends saying, man, wow, what, where would we be without Misty? We would be so lost and they show Misty and she's lighting up. She's loving it. She's being appreciated and loved and cared for for the first time.

[00:19:13] And her adolescent life. So she's taking all that in. That external validation based on her altruism, but what this causes her to do. Is, she ends up destroying the black box that would have allowed them to be rescued, which is why they're stuck out there for 19 months. So that's the toxic behaviors as an example that can come out of that. That's all built around her, need to feel useful and pragmatic and helpful and be admired by her peers so much so that she would put everyone's lives in danger.

[00:19:45] To do that. So there's a lot of that. These are components that we have to be mindful of. So when another, so looking at some more of these, so those are the four types, the top two, the overt narcissist and the covert narcissism are obviously the [00:20:00] most common. There are things that we have to look out for in ourselves and in others.

[00:20:04] But the key pieces of this. Around narcissistic behavior is looking at manipulation, looking at gas lighting, and that sense of entitlement. If people are trying to manipulate you, or if you're trying to manipulate situations, those are narcissistic behaviors. If you're being dishonest or trying to pull the strings of other people,

[00:20:26] That is narcissistic behaviors in many ways. Gas lighting people, which it happens all the time. All the time in our world today, especially in the. Political arena. It's so toxic. But the gas lighting is terrible, but that's a key indicator of. Uh, narcissist. So again, and for those of you, if you're not familiar with the term gaslighting, which most of you probably are, but gaslighting is when you are, you've caught somebody.

[00:20:57] In something, a situation or you've [00:21:00] recognized something, or you're calling out a behavior. And they're outright denying it, even though you caught them in it with evidence and you have proof they're outright denying it, and then they're putting it back on you. They're turning things around on you.

[00:21:12] They're just going to say, oh, no actually, no, that's not what I did. You're why are you calling? Why are you bringing this up? That's already in the past. Why are you asking me these questions? That's done? I don't believe what you're saying. So you can forget that and because I'm saying it it's right, it doesn't matter what you say.

[00:21:27] It doesn't matter about your evidence. What I say matters more than you because one I'm superior and I'm entitled. So those components layer into that manipulative. That. Self-centered that, that entitled aspect. And that lack of accountability, really layers in there to gaslighting. And then that sense of entitlement, which means that I'm entitled to your time. I'm entitled to your body. I'm entitled to the money that I want. It doesn't matter. My behaviors. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter if I'm honest, if it doesn't matter.

[00:21:57] If I do my job, it doesn't matter if I'm good to you in [00:22:00] a relationship. It doesn't matter any of that. I'm entitled to that simply because I exist and I am great. And I am best and I deserve what I get because I want it. And that's mine. And that is what it is. So that sense of entitlement. Combined with manipulative behaviors and in gas, lighting and dishonesty.

[00:22:17] Create. This mix of narcissism. Now we don't, it's layers, right? There's scales of this stuff. That's why it's important to understand. Just because some people have these behaviors doesn't mean they're extreme narcissist, but we have to be mindful of it because those behaviors can become a very slippery slope and expand and start to take over our lives. If we.

[00:22:39] Don't catch it because it's addictive.

[00:22:42] Something to recognize too, if you're encountering this stuff one in yourself and in others. Understanding the importance of trust and intuition, and then identifying these narcissistic dynamics. If you're feeling that if you feel these things, you've got to trust your gut, our instincts are, they lead us there, the [00:23:00] compass in our world. And so if you're feeling those things, if your things are coming up, as you're interacting with individuals, you feel like you're being, people are being dishonest with you.

[00:23:09] You feel like they're not being honest with you about the situation that are potentially gaslighting you or manipulating you. Then you must trust your intuition. Lean into that trust. And if you have a circle of people that you can discuss these things with, get their perspective, just to see what they're thinking and feeling and hearing. So you can get that affirmation because ultimately that intuition will lead you through tough situations. It always does.

[00:23:34] So an example here, another example from the film black Swan. The character of Thomas Leroy, the ballet company director. Displays narcissistic behavior through his demeaning treatment of the main character. Nina. And his constant need for PR for affection and validation and his hard driving, insane behaviors, very abusive he's he gaslights her a ton. He's not honest about a ton of things. He's very entitled to [00:24:00] her, the other people in the crew, in the troop.

[00:24:02] And that the. The members of his ballet. He ends up ultimately leading her to her death. Really based on all this insane drive. Again it's the entitlement and that need for validation and to be at adored by others. The component of adoration really speaks a lot, the need to be adored by others.

[00:24:26] Is really a lack of connection and love that we feel within ourselves. It's okay to be respected and want to be respected. And be honored. It's nice to be celebrated for things, but when we have a deep need for it, it's a neediness. And that's what I know because I was needy. Growing up. I was needy in my twenties.

[00:24:43] And my early thirties, I was very needy. And I needed that external validation until I started working through this stuff. So that validation is a very key component of narcissistic behaviors.

[00:24:56] That we got to look out for. [00:25:00]

[00:25:00] All right. So now looking at navigating narcissistic relationships.

[00:25:04] So things that we can do, whether it's family members, friends, colleagues, or romantic partners, you have to understand if you're seeing these things and people trying to change them is a lost cause we cannot change anyone. The only thing we can do is change ourselves. We have command over our own lives and we can lead by example. The best that we can do is live our life. The way we feel is true to us and be authentic to who we are and hope that other people will see it.

[00:25:33] And make their own decision to live authentically and true to who they are. But we can't change people. So if you're in relationships, If you have family members or friends or colleagues or romantic partners that you're engaging with and they're sharing, and they're consistently displaying these tendencies.

[00:25:50] You owe it to yourself to get out of those situations. It's there's no use in trying to get someone to change. Because people will manipulate scenarios. [00:26:00] They'll often lie to us. They'll Gaslight us. They'll change things up. They'll consistently move the goalposts. That's another component. Because the lack of accountability combined with the entitlement means.

[00:26:11] I'm never going to hold true to my word. I'm never going to be held accountable for what I say. I'm going to consistently move the target based on what I want, because I'm the one that matters in this scenario. I'm better than you. And I'm going to get what I want regardless of what I need to do. So trying to negotiate with people like this.

[00:26:27] Is useless. You have to recognize for what it is. So the hard part is, as you have to accept things as they are now, you can learn from these moments, you can grow from these moments. You can learn about yourself, but you have to. You have to be strong in recognizing this. So if you see these components and people around you, you ultimately, you really need to get out of those scenarios and move from them because people won't change until they feel that need to do so internally. And a lot of times.

[00:26:56] Us leaving. Saying enough is enough and [00:27:00] moving on. Can be the thing that sparks the change that they need. It's when we continuously give in to these behaviors that we accept this behavior and we allow them to change the goalposts and move around and manipulate, and we keep buying their excuses. You're only enabling that behavior. So the great, the best thing we can do in these scenarios is be strong in our positions.

[00:27:21] And hold true to who we are. This means that we're going to be setting boundaries. Which is super important. If somebody is manipulating you or misleading you or being entitled to your time and energy, you got to set a boundary and the moment they cross that you are you're out. That's why it's important that you communicate these things. And if they overstep boundaries, you're out, you have to honor yourself.

[00:27:42] If we don't honor ourselves and we set boundaries, we will continue to be manipulated and taken advantage of setting boundaries matters because we value ourselves. It's our responsibility to care for our wellbeing. And we set a boundary when we feel like someone is imposing on our wellbeing. And the way that we stopped that as we set the boundary [00:28:00] and the moment it's crossed, there are consequences to that often means we're leaving or whatever it is we're out.

[00:28:06] But setting boundaries is crucial. And the moment those are crossed. We're out. We have to follow through to protect ourselves. If we don't, then that behavior will continue to repeat itself. And it's only going to validate. There. Actions. That's why tying in self care is so important. Caring for ourselves emotionally, mentally, internally, spiritually, all these things are how we.

[00:28:28] We protect ourselves against narcissist against manipulative behavior. We care for ourselves. We find the ways to love ourselves. Now I've talked a lot about different things that we can do to find that love within ourselves to create that healthy, loving relationship with ourselves. But it's so crucial if you're dealing with toxic people.

[00:28:44] That you practice self care, you honor yourself and you listen and trust your intuition. Because if you don't, it will just continue to happen. And this ties into the last thing, which is managing expectations in those relationships. And you set those expectations by setting [00:29:00] the boundaries and taking care of yourself. And the moment that, that stuff's not honored, you're out, you follow through with what you say, you're setting the expectations.

[00:29:08] You're communicating to them, what will happen if they don't stop those things. And the moment they do, if they continue to do that, then you're out. I've had to do that a lot in my life. I'll tell people that I'm not comfortable with these things. I communicated again, if they crossed the boundary, but the moment they continue to do it, I'm out and they can say and do whatever they want. From that point. I can't tell you how many people that I've interacted with that. I've told them my boundaries. I've been very clear about it. They overstep it.

[00:29:32] I give them another chance. They do it again and then I'm out and then they go into victim mode. Oh, my gosh, why are you doing this? What do you mean? I don't understand. Why are you doing this? And it's like, bro. Yes, you do. I've been very clear about what's happening. What I need from you and what you're doing this bothering me. You disregard all of that because it doesn't matter.

[00:29:51] It only matters what you want. And that's the problem is when we don't protect ourselves. When we don't take care of ourselves. Then we [00:30:00] continue the manipulative cycle. It's up to us to set those boundaries and be firm in those things. That's what we have to be clear about it. We set those boundaries and then we take action.

[00:30:09] When people don't honor what we ask.

[00:30:12] And a lot of that comes down to being assertive. And again, the power comes from within you. Learn to love who you are. All of you, your warts, your weirdness, all that strange stuff. You got to take all of it in. The negative emotions, the positive emotions, you got to really learn to embrace all that you are.

[00:30:30] Because that's what makes you, who you are. That's what makes you awesome. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, if people are trying to tell you that you need to change, or that you're not good enough, or that you're weird or whatever. I forget them. They don't love you. They're setting conditions to your love and that's BS.

[00:30:46] Unconditionally love yourself. You are the only person that can do that. You are the person that sets that standard. That's the only way it happens. So you practice assertiveness by finding love within yourself, and you build that relationship [00:31:00] with your self. This is how we minimize the impact of narcissistic behavior, because we'll recognize it. When we see it, the more we learn to care and love for ourselves and share love with ourselves.

[00:31:11] The more we will overcome and be wary of these behaviors and leave them the moment that we notice them. Because narcissistic tendencies are on the rise. Social media is only amplifying that. And then these crazy governments and corporations are just doubling down all this stuff too. It's they're all sick together. It's just this mental sickness. It's an illness.

[00:31:33] That's in our culture that spreading globally. It's very bad in the Western world. It's very bad. It's the self obsession, but it's driven by this emptiness. There's no internal compass. There's no internal self or relationship.

[00:31:50] So another example. From a film, the devil wears Prada. The character of Miranda priestly represents a narcissistic boss who demands perfection, lacks, empathy, and [00:32:00] manipulates her subordinates, including the main character. Andy, who must navigate this challenging relationship. She gaslights are. Miranda gas lights are so much in that movie. She's lies to her. She manipulates her. She dangles all these things in front of her because she knows what she wants.

[00:32:14] And that's the thing, too. If you're authentic, genuine caring person, narcissists will prey on you because they will use your caring nature against you. And that's exactly what they do. That's what she does in this movie. She takes all of her dreams. All the things that she wants and she dangled them in front of Andy and she uses them as weapons.

[00:32:32] If people try and get to know you, and then they use those intimate details about you as ammo to get something from you, you better run fast because you're in a dangerous scenario. And that happens a lot. Y'all it happens a lot. So the counter to all this is cultivating empathy and emotional intelligence.

[00:32:51] And that's why it's so important for us. To develop this in our own lives, because this is what enables us empathy for ourselves [00:33:00] first and foremost, because many of us can be empathetic for others, but we have a hard time being empathetic for ourselves, especially high performers. Empathy for ourselves is very difficult, but the moment you start to learn and practice self-compassion.

[00:33:12] The less, this stuff will impact you because you'll recognize it. You'll realize that it's your duty. To protect and garner, respect and love for yourself. And the moment that people are over crossing those boundaries. They're manipulating, they're using these emotions and manipulative behaviors. You'll start to recognize it.

[00:33:29] Developing empathy for ourselves and self-compassion deepens our emotional intelligence and helps us to see these things. Emotional intelligence can allow us to navigate hard emotions, fear, sadness, anger, isolation, these things come from developing emotional intelligence. We deepen our understanding of these things as we interact and experience our own emotions within us. That's the key piece.

[00:33:55] As we do this. By interacting and learning about our own empathy, our [00:34:00] own emotions, our own internal world. All the things that we need are within us. Y'all it really is. It's understanding ourselves that allows us to unlock the potential that we hold and build from there. So when we're actively listening, that's a component to develop empathy and emotional intelligence. We can active listen with ourselves.

[00:34:20] We can take different perspectives. We can take the perspectives of others. We can take the perspective of ourself and our childhood. That's an incredibly powerful thing to think about yourself as a six year old, looking at it from the perspective of an adult, if that wasn't your life and you were an adult peering in to the childhood of that kid.

[00:34:37] What would you view it as? How would you see it now? Trying to think about it as an outside observer, how would you view those things? Would it be different if you weren't thinking about it like your own life, would you look at those scenarios different? That will allow us to deepen that respect of that perspective on our own life.

[00:34:55] And think about things differently in a way that can help us deepen our empathy with [00:35:00] ourselves. And finally self-reflection journaling meditation thinking. Are all very powerful ways to uncover these things within ourselves and cultivate that deep love and compassion for who we are. And this leads to doing this work leads to emotional resilience.

[00:35:17] It leads to compassion. It leads to cultivating a support network around us because we connect with like-minded people, people that are into this type of work. So that's the key here is we've got to this enables us to build up our resilience our emotional capacity. And our intelligence from that perspective.

[00:35:37] The importance of self care is. Critical to this. And. Without it, we lose our way. And I mentioned the pillars, the six pillars of self-esteem earlier, because I think it's important to understand that this is how we develop our self-worth. So people talk about narcissistic tendencies and they [00:36:00] associate self-esteem with that. Self-esteem self-worth those are different components than what narcissism is.

[00:36:05] Narcissism is a lack of, self-esteem a lack of self-worth. That's why caring for ourselves maintaining a strong. Sense of self-worth is so empowering to us and how we navigate a very narcissistic driven world and allows us to see through the narcissistic facade, which is driven by external validation and the admiration components, because there's no internal compass.

[00:36:28] So I wanted to finish this episode here real quick and talk about. The six pillars of self-esteem Jeff, just briefly, the six pillars are the practice of living consciously. So being conscious, being conscious of ourselves, being conscious of our mind, our emotions, our feelings, others. So that's one distinction right there already. That's different from narcissist narcissists.

[00:36:49] Don't look at themselves. So living consciously is a key component of that. The other one, another one is the practice of self-acceptance. Like I was saying, accepting who we are fully deeply in all of us, [00:37:00] the good, the bad, the ugly. The practice is self responsibility, narcissist load responsibility. They deny responsibility. They will do anything they can to not be responsible and accountable to themselves and others. So that's another component. That's another pillar of healthy. Self-esteem.

[00:37:17] Fourth. Is the practice of self assertiveness being assertive. Now narcissists can be very assertive, but when you couple the assertiveness by standing up for your needs, by saying what you want by going after what matters to you by. Holding true to your values. That's being assertive from an internal perspective, not getting what you want at all costs, regardless of what it means to other people. That's the narcissistic way.

[00:37:41] And then the remaining two pillars of self esteem is living purposefully. So having a purpose driven life that's so crucial outside a narcissist is looking at admiration and power. That's it. That's not very purposeful, purposeful means you're making impact. You're connecting to your community. You're connecting to your family, to other people [00:38:00] around you.

[00:38:00] You're S you're wanting to serve in a loving, meaningful way. And then the last piece is personal integrity. Which is just holding true to our ideals, our convictions, our standards, our beliefs, having those things and holding true to them, standing by them, regardless of what it means and what people may think about us externally.

[00:38:20] That's the difference. Uh, those things, those components, other than assertiveness, and maybe some of those beliefs. I don't hold true. To narcissist. That's why this work is so important and caring for ourselves is so important to help defend against this narcissistically growing world that we find ourselves in.

[00:38:41] So one final example in, then we're gonna wrap the episode here. Another film example from the silver linings playbook. The film follows the journey of pat who has a bipolar disorder. And as he learns to develop empathy and emotional intelligence through his relationship with Tiffany. A fellow character who is also dealing with her own emotional challenges. He [00:39:00] becomes a better person, a more loving person, a less self centered narcissistic person and can heal from that thing. That's the key here too, is that no matter where we may find ourselves, we can heal from this trauma, we can heal from these things.

[00:39:15] And live a more healthy whole life. When we're willing to put in the work when we're willing to develop that empathy, that love. And that compassion for ourselves and others. All right, Joel. So that's all I got in today's episode. So as you can see, it's so important to understand the components of narcissism, how prevalent it is in our society today and calling it out, finding it, setting boundaries, being clear in our communication, but more importantly is understanding.

[00:39:43] That prioritizing our own wellbeing, setting boundaries, seeking support when we're dealing with narcissistic individuals or situations and loving and caring for ourselves is how we move out of and move from these things. This is how we can. Change our society at a whole level, [00:40:00] starting with ourselves, protecting ourselves and doing that with honor.

[00:40:03] Self awareness and personal growth are essential and navigating this narcissistic world. And building stronger, healthier relationships. So we can overcome a lot of the challenges that we face as a society and as a species. All of this is possible when we learn to love and truly accept who we are from within regardless.

[00:40:23] What others in the world may think about us. That's the power of holding strong within ourselves and living. With the order within perspective. So that's all i got for today's episode i hope y'all are enjoying it you can catch me on twitter at brandon lee ward i'm on linkedin at brandon l ward and my website is brandon lee ward.com. i really appreciate y'all and until next time y'all

[00:40:44] Thank you for listening to Order Within. If you found the episode helpful, please consider sharing, rating and subscribing. New episodes will be released every Thursday at 11:00 AM Eastern Standard time. Until next time y'all.[00:41:00]